Ive always loved Michael Jackson to death. But no one ever really knew, I was just a secret fan. Im not like those out there who have an even more morose emotion upon your death and your lifetime achievements. But Ive realized now that I have had this unknown love for you more than I knew of.

Upon rehearsals in dance class. Watching you on TV in my childhood still kicking and I don't think any of my younger cousins would experience your greatness unless I explained it to them fully. Im in the earliest generations of my family, and so Im one of the last generations to have experienced your work in real time, not through current archive footage.

You brought more to the world than breaking a color barrier. The color barrier you broke was not only to get airtime and more exposure for African Americans but to shed the borders of a 'typical black man' in the wake of the struggle to end racism during the time frame you rose to stardom. To cease racism and to remember what were here for. Music. Dancing. A good time in general ... as one.

One thing I love you most for is your theatrics. Along with the dances through those theatrical videos. You brought life through your music using something no one ever did in your time. You brought film and life and a story along with your music, not just a four minute song. You danced your way through an empowering song and gave much meaning to music. "Brought To Life" as in the way books are made into movies. You turned stories of love, life, struggles, and good times into music and you turned all of that into your amazing, captivating, inspiring theatrical short films and music videos. I believe that someone could put together an entire screenplay upon your biggest hit songs and mold the story together.

You hold an important part in everyones life. A fan and an artist at both. In the rock, punk, emo, R&B, rap, pop, any kind of music genre. They call you the KING OF POP, but we all know you are much more than that. Today lots of artists mix themselves into controversy and begin to make music based on a backlash against the media, which is what you did first. Black or White, Scream. It was all on you.

Anybody can do your dance. Some imitate it better than anyone out there, some people can do bits and pieces. But no how well they do your dance routines, there is just something about the person who does it even if all the steps are done flawlessly and in the same motion as yours. Your the only one who can hold it together because its the face and the presence that puts it in its style and empowerment.

I dont think ive ever felt this way about you ever, Ive just listened to your music and fell in love with your videos. But I know first hand how it feels to stick by the quote "You never know how much you love something until its really gone .." and im starting to reconnect with those feelings again in terms of being captivated by someone so inspirational, such a great performer.

If there is anyone I'd love to meet in the world it would be you. To stand next to you. To catch a glimpse of you in the same room and embrace your vibes. Or if I was lucky and be a fellow musician and performer, you'd be the one I'd beg to work with and dance along with one day.

- Kelly Mcaulley. 2009

Ugh this thing has to be posted but i have to tweak it first. Get ready! Got some updates to make!

Just wanted to say 'Hey!" to all my new LJ Buddies. Im going to update this thing more often, im tweaking it out some how because im connecting it to my website.

Which btw, is now available - http://kmcaulleytv.com - go check it out! Im still fixing up a few things and keep an eye out to these following links because im sending out submissions to do interviews with a bunch of people you might just be interested in!

- http://kmcaulleytv.com
- http://twitter.com/kmcaulley
- http://youtube.com/kmcaulley (subscribe! .. im not using chuckiescheckers anymore!)

My great week, just became ruined. I feel like i want to throw up. My arms wont stop shaking. My legs won't stop shaking. My heart wants to leave and never come back. Im not really entitled to talk about it, and i shouldnt.

But it hurts when you go through so much in your own life before you reach 18 years old and you've seen everything and you've heard everything, and your only father and your only sister are dead one you feel like you never knew and one you've never met and when you need someone there for you, you end up doing so much for other people, and you know you can help them, but they don't want it and shut you out, and they call you a best friend. And to top things off everyone thinks your a liar, a hypocrite, and when you need a little compassion from others in times of guilt, shame, sadness, heartache, someone else comes along and reminds you again over and over and act like you are the one who caused the problems.

I cant wait to release my album. I really cant. I wrote 3 music videos for it. Hopefully when im a musician my messages and heartache can show through music and the videos that follow and can wreck havoc upon someone elses heart.

but for now .. i guess no matter what, im in the wrong over .. and over .. and over again
and ill just keep ranking in the hits as everyone's favorite person to hate

Hey all ..

I updated the sites blog @ http://km-haderwithad.livejournal.com

However, ive removed the comments so if you want to comment please write one on the site on the post about the blog being updated. I really would love some feedback directly on my site :)

Love Kelly!

PS -- i finally got to see Jason @ UCB!! omg this weekend was per.fect!

$20 - train ticket
$80 - to buy a clandestine item to get a ticket
to meet pete wentz
$2.75 - extra money for the train back b/c of peak
hours
TOTAL = just to $103

wow.

ok so please know that none of this is made up. all of this really happend and pictures are under the cut.

so i took off today to get some sleep and head into new york city to attempt to finally meet a huge idol to me, Pete Wentz. after many failed attempts at shows (letterman 2x, the today show, TRL, saturday night live, the VMA's) and all have failed and it hasnt upset me and today i am certaintly not upset.

i woke up to the rustling of my mother going through my coffee table and then the sound of her throwing a package on my coffee table and leaving for work. i flipped over, and saw a white tshirt envelope from FedEX and was like "No WAY!" and it was my black and white Hemingway shirt my mom bought me after i recieved a very large one the week before. all i could think about was "This must be a sign or something, how weird is it i get this the day im meeting pete wentz." i got some chinese for lunch and ate and then showered and got ready. i missed my 1:39 express but the event wasnt until 4PM so i wasnt rushing or angry i missed it. i took the next one which luckily was an express. i got off at 3:06 and went up to macys at the corner and went to juniors 4. i didnt see anyone who looked like FOB fans at all while going up and i was afraid i had the wrong day, or the wrong place or SOMETHING. but i got up and there was the Clandestine section with music blaring and i walked up to two girls and i said "Are you guys here for the pete wentz thing?" and they said "Yeah" and im like "Ok, so .. do we get to meet him or something?" and they said "Well .. you have to buy something from the collection and they give you a ticket at your purchase and you get to meet him."

My whole paycheck went into it, i found a hoodie and it was the cheapest thing i found. $80. Yeah. But it was so worth it and i really like it so i think ill keep it. So my number was 138 and i got to meet him around 4:40PM.

We start to go up and im all calm and cool surrounded by screaming girls in short shorts and MRS WENTZ handmade tshirts, and im in my new black and white Hemingway shirt and im the only one on line in the new merchandise from the store such as the new hemingway shirt. So i go there and i wait until the girl in front of me is done which didnt take too long. i walk up with jello legs but my personality isnt like "OMG I LOVE YOU" and ripping his hands off his wrists and crying. I walked up and simply said "Hi!" and before i could walk up to his table on the platform he smiles and points "Ha! I LOVE YOUR SHIRT! Thank you for buying it!" I guess also because its dedicated to Ernest Hemingway, but Hemmingway is the name of Pete's dog too lol! Pete signs a poster of him and the DKNY/Clandestine model. I told him about my brother taking the tickets to their Jones Beach show and i coudlnt go, and he goes "Aw im sorry!" He hands me the poster and stands up from the chair and gives me a hug,!! He gave the girls behind me hugs too. But he tried to tell me something and i have no idea what he was saying to me so i asked on the Q&A site for FOB's site, but i think he was telling me "I have one too" or something, but hopefully pete accepts my question to post it with his answer.

sadly, they offered us to take pictures WITH pete but they decided to end it at number 70 or 80-something becuse it was taking to long. i dont care, im sure ill get to meet pete again one day, but until then ill cherish today for a long time.

( pictures of the event )

im pretty tired of being walked on. i give great advice, but no one uses it. i mean, i created advice and goals for myself, used them and im still here going good today. i feel like people just walk all over me, or dont listen to me, or just think im trying to be someone other than myself.

safe to say im pretty sick of some people ive met, i feel like i all i hear is complaining, and yelling, and hearing people talk about others constantly. no one can have a real friend anymore its like you make a friend you think you can trust when you're really wasting your time.

i think im leaving a LJ for a while. the only posts you'll see is once in a while posts if something really incrediable or intresting has happend. you wont see my writings anymore, you wont see much anymore. i really want to get my career going. one thing im sick of is the fact that i feel like im surrounded by people who are thriving for fame in all the wrong forms. they will do anything to get attention whether its snooping around and abusing what they find. what i want to do is change people's lives through music and comedy but im not sure what yet. i could do both, but im more intrested in the music scene. i want to tour to interesting places and meet people who have been in the similar prediciments ive found myself in and get the same feeling i have when watching green day or fall out boy. my friends have actually told me i have a similar style to pete wentz with my writing and personality. but i dont want to shadow over him, i just want to accomplish what he has.

im gonna spend the summer writing as much as i can, ive already started writing a "story/screenplay" to go with my "album" to be saved for later. one thing i hope to accomplish through all of this and this kind of career is respect. i can guarantee ill get my revenge on those who told me different, those who thought it would be funny to do 'what they did' and im sure they will be pretty ashamed (if they have shame at all) once they hear themselves in code in my songs. i felt this kind of confidence when i saw FOB on friday, and just watching them and feeling the crowd react and being a part of that inspired me to go with music. ive heard some shit about FOB, and i know people will say to me "well dont take it seriously" but the thing is people have told me their opinions on the band and yet FOB broke the record friday for longest line ever for tickets to the Today show. so lets hear that again.

i dont love fall out boy because they happen to be the latest trend, ive been a huge fan since july 2005 when they were some "weird band with a weird video" on MTV2 and i love them because they are a fun band to be around. When i met Patrick last year he let me talk to him for 5 minutes and i felt like i was talking to my best friend. He wasnt just like "Hi, (signs autograph) and nods at everyword i say" he actually laughed, talked to me, shook my hand and asked for my name. all these "haters" say they suck but truth be told they only have heard like two songs that were on MTV one day. FOB's creativy in their lyrics is amazing and i plan to continue to be inspired.

you'll be hearing more from me as time goes by around big events and saturday night live and such.

ps - i heart rice cakes.

This entry is open to the public -

im trying my best to make this new journal not to negative or things like my past journals. but i think once in a while comes a time on a blog to post a rant, or a sympathizing post, or something. and this is mine. things just come through my head sometimes and it needs to be let out. read if you wish.

START THE RANT:
the other night i came home from the city. and took a train i havent took in a bit of a long time. a 10:30 train. we came out of the tunnel as my ipod went through my playlist. and the song "down we fall" by drake bell was playing. suddenly the image of the city skyline appeared before me in the distance, the bright lights from the two main buildings - the empire state building and the chrysler - and the clock on the side and the little lights behind them blazed from behind the flourecent light hovering the bridge and the bluish-green tint from the bridges lights. the scene brought me to tears. all things started running through my mind. and the question "what happend to this life" could not be answered correctly.

i call a couple of places my hometown. (this one i live now) being one and its also right outside the city. but my second home is new york city. a lot of people say that though. even tourists. but i can call it my hometown and it wont be inaccurate. my father is from new york city. my grandparents (his parents) are from new york city. his brother and sister are from new york city. half of his job was in the city. my mother worked in the city at 18. and ive been visiting since i was immobile in a stroller. and ive been going every weekend alone since 2005. and now i stay on the weekends with my lovely boyfriend, zach. but this place used to have so much meaning. i used to be thrilled about coming to the city, i used to be in my room and packing my stuff frantically with butterflies in my stomach and it used to take forever to get to the city and id sit in my sit anxiously waiting to hear penn station was the next stop and see the tunnel lights flashing as my ears popped. and now its like .. ok. i need to go to snl for my reasons - im living with panic disorder, so much stress at home, and depression and i need snl as my backup for fun and stuff. and its like .. it makes me scared to go to the city now.

things have changed so much. i remember when i met all these awesome people at snl, vanessa, shannon, marni, heather, christian, chelsea and then zach and so on. and it was like i would go home and we would be like 'are you going to snl this weekend?' 'what are you doing' and then we found out like jimmy fallon was gonna be on something and we would be screaming and be like "oh im so going! lets met up here!" now its like, i dont even know what the hell happend. i met some more cool people and then some more in the past year. and its all been throw away as what it seems to me. i can realize some things right away, and its making me hurt that everything has just blown up. its like everyone has become a target for mockery and no one cares about anyone anymore. its like a horrific thing to be quite honest.

this whole place is like junior high. its like filled with hate and talking-behind-backs. its insanity. now we have this fake jamie's standby awards thing floating around. people are blaming chelsea for it. people are snapping back at each other. then someone drops another friend. another one is crying. another one is just (cue volcanic EXPLOSION) and this is driving me insane. and i wish it would all stop. i get text messages galore about a new problem but with the same topic or something. i get a new email with more problems. and i mean .. (chuckles) its not like i dont have enough already i mean lets see im not graduating, i have the big decision of either dropping out or staying next year, i have a sick brother upstairs who locks himself in there all day til his friend honks the horn outside, i barely see my mother anymore, i have to smack something for someone to really understand my feelings, i have to make dinner and clean up everything, i have to do everything around the house to see my boyfriend - if one thing isnt done i cant go, ive got people talking shit about me on the net (and yes i know about it), ive got regents exam i NEED to pass, ive got to work double time because im losing my dads benefit check (ON MY BIRTHDAY) - this means all the benefits i got in his name i lose which is money and care and stuff!, no one asks me how im doing - its like i walk through the halls and everyone asks 'where is your brother, how is he' - WHY DONT YOU FUCKING CALL HIM!, no one asks me how im doing in general either its like i go to bed with a fight here on the internet (the IMs, the emails etc) and i wake up to a text message too like "OMG .."

CLOSING STATEMENT (YOU SHOULD READ) -
listen guys, here's my closing statement - you can comment this, you can fucking send it to all your little friends and get your kicks and giggles - i dont care anymore - just read this closing bit. IT NEEDS TO STOP. if there is anything ive learned through these last couple of years losing the people i lost and being in the middle of these arguments today - life is too short. tragedies exist and life sucks in general. but to hold grudges is retarded. this journal i write in here - its really just for me. though i let people in and share it with my friends for advice, laughs, whatever. but its technically my place. in our little snl group, im the youngest, im in high school. and you guys dont know how immature this all is. we dont even do this in high school. making up stories to get a reaction, emailing each other about someone else's venting or SOMETHING, or posting someone elses shit on myspace or livejournal. you got a problem with me .. email me and say it to my face (virtually speaking). grow a pair and grow up!! for real! i mean some of you guys are in your 20's and all of you are in college. in my high school and my cousins high schools - we dont do this shit. we handle problems our own way in person. i cant tell you guys how many people get shot in my school at these house parties in brooklyn or wyndanch and yes they fight and do the silent treatment but people have gotten into the worst fights over it and today they have made up and moved on and are back to being friends. some of them stay friends, but for the most part they move on and the case is closed shut and locked up and never spoken about again.

again, life is too short. lets grow up and cut the shit and act our ages.

... i could sue somebody for the things i heard/saw about me and use the money for therapy after all of this.